NYAPU: Not Your Average Pregnancy Update I’m not here to tell you the size of my unborn child because even I don’t care if I have a petrified bean or a stumpy turnip taking my uterus hostage. I don’t plan on sharing the number of stretch marks (zero so far) or what I’m craving (food– I crave food). This is going to be the pregnancy update you never wanted to know yet will appreciate the impending honesty. Plus, don’t you want to know how horribly fat I’ve gotten?

I am not a fan of the whole 37-weeks-is-full-term because whatever happened to 40 weeks? It reminds me of speed limits: speed limit is 70 MPH, you drive 74 MPH. It is closely teetering on impatience for wanting something now (a baby) or getting somewhere now (speed limit). Using “full term’ for an entire three weeks ahead of the full duration of a pregnancy is risky because it sets a baseline and, as people do, like to push boundaries. Anyway, just quit telling me, “it could be this week!” because I really want the kid to stay in there longer. Marinate away, Bebe. Marinate.

How far along? 37 weeks, 3 days. If I go as long as I did with Humnoy, I will have exactly 4 more weeks!

Measuring? 38 weeks.

Weight? I have not gained since last week. Despite some birthday food temptations and regrets.

Mood? Energetic. Only explanation is full-on nesting. I am staying on top of cleaning every counter as I pass, keeping our towels freshly stocked (just in case, I go into labor at ‘full term’ HA!), and making sure Humnoy’s cloth diapers are clean and ready. ‘Clean and ready’ just means sitting in a wicker basket for me to pull from quickly is all.

Midwife said? Bebe’s head is down, back is against my back, and legs underneath my boobs. Student midwife says that Bebe’s head is down, but back is up towards the front. They literally bantered back and forth for a good three minutes. I’m laying there thinking, “Does it even fucking matter? This kid’s head pushes down so hard that I should probably be sitting on a towel at all times.”

Braxton Hicks? … are happening. Regularly and intensely. Lately, it sometimes sends a “zap!” down my inner thigh! Is that normal or……..?

Breastfeeding? I don’t really know when to say Humnoy has finally weaned because when I think he’s done, he’ll ask to nurse at bedtime after going all day without. When he does nurse, it’s a quick session that I barely notice he’s on the bewb. He may not be nursing, but he sure loves to twiddle.

Vagina? She’s doing great!

(click to enlarge) Photo Courtesy: Melissa Reagan

What do you consider “full-term?”

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