I’m A Peaceful Parent But A Shitty Wife

Posted in Peaceful Parenting by

I wracked my brain and finally remembered but my retort was too late to take back. I told Gym Hottie that I “don’t listen to you anyway” when he confronted my wispy memory for his overnight bike trip planned this weekend with a buddy. I was half-joking because I really don’t listen to most of anything anyway. You try to form an idea of what to make dinner when you have a hungry infant and a toddler hanging off your leg channelling his favorite curious monkey character. I also realized my half-joke wasn’t that off-base because I’m kinda a shitty wife.

shotgun wedding marriage troubles.jpg Photo credit: Josh Tofsrud and Shane Olson of Spokane, WA

I generally do not like to air our dirty laundry but this isn’t a call for marriage counseling. I actually am addressing some of my own personal issues as a life partner and, in turn, a mama. You know me: peaceful parent to my beautiful and angelic, perfect little children. The only truth to that is that my kids are beautiful, no around that, duh. My mantra is I will try to always do right by my kids. I only have one shot at this. I’ve been bestowed the hardest task in the world to raise other humans and I follow their leads, which is what peaceful parenting means to me. I have so much trouble cultivating half of this energy toward my partnership with GH.

I’m mean. I’m crass. I have strategically attacked known weaknesses. I pent up my feelings waiting for a mind-reading. I have perfected the short, snarky replies and the colder-than-cold shoulder. I can’t pinpoint the reason why I am gentle and loving toward our kids but can’t spare any of it to my husband. I was extra sweet in the following days of his near-death experience but it took just one look at the toothbrush sitting in front of the toothbrush holder to make my heart go back to cold. “The toothbrush holder is right there!”

I love my husband. I love how he is the best father to our kids. I love how hard he works for me to stay home in these early days with our littles. He’s not a shitty husband to me, maybe a shitty roommate though. It takes a lot more time and clarity to be more peaceful with him. If I can be a peaceful mama to two little kids then I can with a grown ass man, who is amazing in so many ways by dealing with his shitty wife.

What is the most annoying thing about your partner? What is the best thing?

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Dingleberries and Binkies

Posted in Family Misadventures by

After the vent about raising a binky baby, I was again reminded that children are so vastly different in their childhood milestones and an attachment to an object is no different. I planned to just wait it out and let him take the wheel on the weaning off the binky. That is until the universe took over for him.

As I was preparing to put on his first diaper of the day to go outside and play, I noticed something every parent of a diaper-free child doesn’t want to see: dingleberries. You know, the gift that keeps on giving after you’ve thought you’re done with your back business. I freak out because vignettes of possible Hershey stains all over the apartment play across my now exaggerated imagination. I say, “Lets go poop” in my best nonchalant voice and I prop him on his insert and let him choose a book to read on the adult potty. He chooses the book that, ironically, marked the beginning of a development breakthrough. As he’s “reading” the book that began a new stage, this same act quickly prompted the forceful end of another stage. He jibber jabbers the sounds of the animals and “Moooooos” his one and only binky straight into the toilet bowl right between his legs. He screams “Gaga! Gaga! GA-GAHHH!” as I curse under my breath. I’m kinda relieved, but mostly terrified, as I’m throwing the Last Binky straight into the trash bin and tying it to take outside as Humnoy screams bloody murder.

TheLaotianCommotion.com: The Last of the Binkies: A Weaning Story

Right before the death of the Last Binky

Well, screw you, Universe. Since the death of The Last Binky, he actually has coped well with(out) it. He will ask for it and we re-direct his attention to something else and it seems to be working nicely. While that is working well, we do notice he is much, much louder.

What is the universe telling me?

Update:
1) We bought emergency binkies.
2) He is using one now for bedtime.
3) Two pillows have fallen victim to dingleberries.

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Why I Refuse to Give My Child a Binky

Posted in Natural Parenting by

Super engorged, I forced that pacifier out of my 3-month-old’s mouth to relieve some of the backed up milk. This was the first time Humnoy has willfully taken a binky after many clumsy attempts in the three months leading up to that day, which he forgot all about nursing. He would be obsessed from that day forward. Little did I know that pacifier use would change a lot of things and not necessarily for the better when turned to for comforting those inconsolable outbursts or inevitable car rides.

I have made the decision to not have my second child be a “binky baby.” Lanoy has recently discovered her thumb and is almost the same age when Humnoy began his binky binge. Though tempting as I remembered pacifiers were a saving grace, I won’t let Lanoy have a binky but will not mind her go to town with her adorable little thumb. As an attachment parent, I’m running a case trial of both a binky baby and a thumb sucker. What’s the deal with both anyway?

Which is better? Thumb or binky?

Weaning The old saying goes, “you can take away binkies.” Essentially it is said to be easier to wean off of pacifier use. You can hold goodbye ceremonies, fairy tale exits, and even just cut off the tips stopping its functionality in its tracks. Deal with a days-long tantrum and poof, it’s done and over with. With an attached thumb, it’s harder to just ‘take it away.’

Preference Humnoy never discovered his thumb or I didn’t give it enough time. When he was teething something terrible in those horrid teething days, the binky soothed him when I couldn’t, boobs or otherwise. Gym Hottie actually tried it once and remarked how he could see it helps relieve teething pain because the suction massages gums. Well, no wonder; I’d want a constant gum massage too. Humnoy has tried to let his sister borrow his but she wasn’t having none of it.

Eco-friendly Binkies are pure plastic nipple replacement, plain and simple. An oxymoron for my goal toward natural parenting but we also eat bacon and that’s an entirely other post. It makes my skin crawl knowing he is sucking on a plastic nubby for most of his waking hours. I do plenty of other damages to the environment and I don’t want to add one more binky baby to the mix if I can help it. Thumbs require little to no production costs on the environment. Just 10 months gestation.

Costs I can’t tell you how much we’ve spent on buying, replacing, and time locating binkies. At least with a thumb sucker, the lack of costs are the most appealing factor. Six dollars a box for a two-pack over two years makes me clench in fantasies of what vacation getaways could have been. Not to mention losing those little bastards but, of course, the manufacturers recommend they be replaced every so often. Of course they do.

I could wean him, I could hold a parting ceremony, or I could just hide it and he’ll forget about it for two days. I won’t though because it’s an attachment to him now. Now that I know better with soothing options can be babywearing or comfort nursing without resorting to a binky, I believe I can avoid Lanoy ever having to “need” one. My hope is that Humnoy will just be finished with his ‘gaga’ on his own time much like breastfeeding, which is my gentle reminder to just lay off of his pacifier obsession. Like my boobs, I know he will just outgrow the binky and we’ll just be happy when that day comes as a celebration of entering a new development stage. Until then, I choose to pull the binky card as a resource in motherhood with two littles made up of one thumb baby and one binky baby.

Why did/n’t you have a thumb or binky baby? How did it turn out?

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Following Your Kid’s Doctor’s Orders

Posted in Family Misadventures by

Let’s not call it an excuse for my child’s behavior or development concerns but rather alternative causes. From the support and words of encouragement from other parents, I am reminded that all children develop so differently. Take for example Humnoy again. He rolled over before he was four weeks old, took his first unassisted steps at seven- and a-half months, walking by eight months, and signed a few words and even understood a bit of Laotian by 12 months. All these amazing achievements were overlooked at this doctor’s visit and we have an evaluation appointment with a speech language pathologist Monday morning.

In addition to the referral for speech delay, there were many other concerns and just as many recommendations from Humnoy’s 2-year well checkup. I’ve had three weeks to analyze, implement, or re-evaluate these concerns in relation to Humnoy’s personal strengths and unique skills.

‘On small side of weight and height but proportionate’ We have a running joke that if Humnoy’s not sleeping or on the boob, he’s constantly on the go. Even while he’s eating, he’s moving his legs and actually now that I think about it, he even does that while breastfeeding. I know there are just people who just are built small, especially breastfed toddlers. I should’ve asked what growth chart the office uses because Humnoy has been and is breastfed. I don’t think it’s fair to pit him against all children. Dr. Sears wrote, “”Lean” means having the right percentage of body fat for your individual body type.” I don’t agree with measuring against an average when every child most certainly is not. The doctor recommends to add butter/olive oil to his meals and take a multivitamin. I’ve done that but I don’t think it matters for all this constant calorie-burning he does.

the breastfed toddler

Photo credit: The Alpha Parent

‘Limit tv/screen time to 1-2 hours a day’ He’s a tv baby. That’s my least favorite parenting moment for me. I didn’t hesitate to turn on Blues Clues because I need to get lunch or dinner made. I hand him the Netflix app when I sense a tantrum coming from the boring grocery shopping cart. There were plenty of days where pregnancy took its grueling toll on me and Curious George let me rest from first trimester woozies. This was a welcome recommendation and I took it by the horns and followed through less than the allowed amount of TV time and it’s for the better.

‘Read frequently and sing/listen to music’ His new interest in books has surprised me the most. I shouldn’t hold the story time disaster against him, I suppose. We have encouraged reading and he loves reading with his dad, which I think is a great reward because he is so excited to spend time with him after being away from home for almost 12 hours. I turn on Pandora and we practice my swing moves. That’s a win-win because I estimate I won’t be back on the dance floor for a while or at least until Lanoy is not such a boob fiend.

‘Time outs – use consistently and for 2 minutes’ Ahh, the most controversial out of the whole bunch. Humnoy has had some issues with throwing, hitting, and kicking. He actually hit the doctor on her knee, which I believe prompted this last-minute recommendation on his chart. She asked how I handle it and I tell her I try to re-direct his behavior or remove his toys. She then brought up how I can’t really remove “when he hits somebody.” Okay, true that so she offers up time-outs as the answer. We’ve done time-outs and I personally feel they are innately damaging. My biggest realization was it is preventable and, here’s the excuse, Humnoy is cranky. One of his basic needs weren’t met and he’s lashing out in protest or a cry for help. In day care at the gym is the only other time he has had this behavior issue. I ran an experiment: instead of normally going to the YMCA at 11:00 am, which is lunch time and then nap, we are ready to leave right after breakfast, which is soon after waking up. He’s both full and well-rested. The first day I tried this, there were no issues. Coincidence? Maybe but it saved the embarrassment of my kid pushing another kid at day care for once.

What doctor’s orders have you welcomed or disregarded?

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Yeah, I Said It: I Hate Visiting My Family

Posted in Lao Culture, Yeah, I Said It by

I quickly remember why I hate coming here just as soon as I zip up three-persons packing for the weekend. Not only is it a four-hour drive with two littles but it’s so much more damn work for me when we visit my folks. I so despise the obligation nagging at me to celebrate Lao New Year, which befalls in mid April, with my family. It starts out where I’m excited to expose my kids to my family’s culture, eat Lao food, and support the Buddhist community and ends up in me regretting thinking I could ever get Hum to nap or arrive at a ceremony on time. I hate visiting my parents because:

It’s a house full of Asians With little to no information (or belief) in modern birth control, usually Laotian families are large. I am the oldest of four and being the only child to not be living at home. If you are familiar with stereotypes, Laotians are not a quiet group of people. We use high pitches and some yell-talking to properly convey a single point. Sprinkle in a couple of drop-in relatives and you’ve got a hot recipe for stimulation overload for kids.

No Nap Toddler Speaking of which, Humnoy is off his already scattered schedule. I soon realize that I am a fucking badass schedule guru when we’re at home compared to this crazy circus of a nap coming down from a sugar high at 4:30 pm. I just give up and lay down with Lanoy and whatever other family member is up can supervise her crazy big brother until he zonks out from exhaustion.

I get no help You’d think in a place with four, sometimes five, adults that you can get some help with supervising or at least entertaining a rambunctious toddler. Well, boo fuckity hoo am I wrong on that. Combined with the first two bullet points and a toddler seeking attention from somebody, I’m super irritated and frazzled in this house.

I’m usually solo parenting This is just an extension from previous thought. Every chance we get to come visit my family, it seems like my husband is also trying to get away. He likes to go and run off to go play bikes with his friends in the town over about two hours away. So, essentially, when he says he wants to go visit my family, I can smell his ulterior motives out from under the guise of just wanting to be around my family a house full of crazy Asians (see bullet point 1).

We have different discipline methods I thought it was difficult enough struggling with discipline differences with GH at home but it’s definitely more annoying when it’s with your immediate family. My parents are old-school discipliners and definitely try it with my kids but I think they know better than to follow through with their giddy threats of a slap on the behind for getting into the water cooler. I either bite my tongue and redirect their comment/threat, as playful as it is, so Humnoy can move onto a desired behavior or activity.

At least when we’re home, I can control the environment and work the resources from the familiar surroundings. Here, it’s a lost cause and a disaster. The only thing that keeps me sane is all the Lao food I get to inhale without a dietary care in the world. If it weren’t for that, my family wouldn’t get to see my kids nor would the kids get to be a part of the Lao community in my hometown because I hate coming here. Alas, here I am struggling with a fussy infant and No Nap Toddler just for a cultural experience. It’s usually worth it but right now, I’m just really tired.

20130413-143921.jpg

How often do your kid(s) see your family?

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A Toddler Language Development Breakthrough

Posted in Peaceful Child Development by

Among the list of shit the new doctor told us we are doing wrong suggested for language development for a 2-year-old at home, we wrote off reading to him. We’ve tried and tried and it has never interested him. Remember the library story time from hell? Yeah, that’s basically my life story with trying to read to Humnoy so we just gave up.

2 year old reading

The new doctor’s office provided us with a board book to take home as a new patient gift and, of course, to encourage language skills. I internally scoffed but thanked her for the new book (to toss into a Rubbermaid bin that houses the few dozen other books we have for him, most being from before he was born). Amidst my frenzy of motherhood denial, I actually waited a while to begrudgingly show him the book because he would either deny it or flip through two pages then throw it to go ride his bike. I didn’t want to be disappointed, in either scenario or at myself as a parent.

Pride aside, I told him he got a nice gift from the new doctor and he checked it out and actually looked through it for longer than I can say, “Let’s sit down and be still!” He pawed at it periodically throughout the day when it was in plain sight and then we reached a breakthrough. When I was taking Lanoy to her nightly potty session, Humnoy and Gym Hottie sat together with that book. As she was taking her sweet baby time going both poop then pee and sometimes even falling asleep, I am amazed to hear GH’s voice at completion. I look up to hear them discuss the book and I begin to cry.

I’m crying because Humnoy has never finished an entire book in his life. They’re tears of joy for a sweet boy, who just needed his own time to be ready to enjoy a reading. The tears are a release of relief and a real-time reminder that not all is lost and that a single medical observation doesn’t mean shit. At age two, Humnoy finally sat still and long enough to listen to a book and I’m so freaking happy. I’m so proud of the progress he’s made in the few days with the minor yet extremely rewarding tweaks we’ve included in our daily routine. It can only get better, I think!

When did your child(ren) start to enjoy reading books?

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When Your Toddler is Behind on Language Development

Posted in Family Misadventures by

The scheduling coordinator verified the reason for the appointment but I still felt uneasy scheduling a speech evaluation for my 2-year-old. What started out as a general well-child visit with a new doctor in a new town ended in leaving the office with a referral for a speech evaluation. The new family doctor had reminded us that boys’ language development is slower than their girl counterparts but is still worth looking into. I still wonder why an otherwise thriving, extremely bright child is causing concern for being behind on his language skills.

The first language development requirement was if Humnoy knew 50 words. Gym Hottie and I stared at each other with a “um, I don’t know” look because we don’t keep count nor did we think he needed to know a certain amount of words. Finally, I concluded that he does and moved on until the doctor wondered how his sentences were. “What sentences,” I thought because this child either screams or I am in tune with his wants and needs that he uses his single-word communication and I understand. It turns out that children his age are supposed to be at least using two-word sentences. He knows a couple like “my bike” or our household favorite, “my Dad(dy).” Other than that, Humnoy communicates with points and single words but rarely are they combined.

Once home, I rushed through putting a list of words. I hastily got up to number 38 and then I hit a block. I had to think really hard and look around our home to trigger scenarios with Humnoy and my photographic memory for more words. (Just want to make 50!) I added a few more then the rest of the day, GH and I would quickly add another word we seemed to overlook. The next few days had me in a frenzy trying to encourage his communication other than than grunts and pointing. It takes a few tries but he will actually use his words after my asking to reinforce his communication. For example, he will ask for “milk” when breastfeeding but usually with pointing and an ‘uh-huhm.’ I then ask, “What do you want from mommy, baby?” and would only let him nurse once he says “nome-nome,” the Laotian term for milk/breasts. I am also encouraging him to use words he knows well to make a ‘sentence.’ When he goes potty without us asking, I give him a single piece of fruit snack. He knows the words “snack” and “please” so I encourage those in succession with each other when I present the item.

GH and I have discussed this and for the most part, we are not worried. Humnoy is an extremely bright and loyal child, which is why we were very surprised we needed a medical referral for speech evaluation. If we hadn’t seen a doctor, we would have never questioned his development. He plays well with others, is very curious, and we understand him. Others may not, which may be a problem we do foresee. It was tough and I mean for me. As a mom, you don’t enjoy hearing that there’s “something wrong” with your child. It just turns out that’s where I’m wrong; there’s nothing wrong with him and I need to change my mindset to where I encourage and promote his skills and interests rather than dwell on missing the check boxes for a generic list of a child’s development. Right now, all I can do is what I know and what he knows, which despite one doctor’s observation, is a lot and we are very proud of him.

Have you had any surprises in your child(ren)’s development?

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